search for something...

search for something you might like...

It's Time For Beyonce to Have a Baby It's not a mystery - its time for Beyonce to move over and give everyone else a chance, and maybe help some desperate parents along the way. It could be a good thing

It's Time For Beyonce to Have a Baby

It's not a mystery - its time for Beyonce to move over and give everyone else a chance, and maybe help some desperate parents along the way. It could be a good thing

by LamontPaul, Founder & Publisher
first published: March, 2010

approximate reading time: minutes

But with 6 Grammy's this year alone, 9 to dust if you count the three Jay-Z brought home... Really

Oh boy! It's the morning after the Oscars and for us Hollywood (adjacent) types, that's the end of the serious award season. The unencumbered now, can get on with creating next years' trinket tuggers. Or whatever. You know we'll all be hard at it, waiters/writers, ballet teachers/costume designers, gas  men/guitarists, whatevers/whatevers. I never know which side of a Slash makes me happier. Before or After. Perhaps neither. What if all the parking valets became stars? What would happen to my car while I am eating, drinking or dancing? What if, instead of flapping her arms and flailing around a failed prima ballerina my daughter had no one to lead her class, such was the demand for celluloid costumiers? And suddenly there would be no reason for daddy parents to be in class either.

As these gargantuan confluences go - and good god does the world make the wwf look unscripted, a Kathryn Bigelow shattered a glass ceiling, really, I heard it, and won a best director Oscar. And it was already International Women's Day somewhere as she did. Oh well, I thought, as I'd been thinking for some time, it's time for Beyoncé to have a baby. It is, last time I looked, it's womens work after all.

I don't. I don't usually interject myself into other peoples' affairs. I don't. My personality over time has become more and more forceless as I become less and less visible. But with 6 Grammy's this year alone, 9 to dust if you count the three Jay-Z brought home... Really, Beyoncé, it is time to have a baby... It's not only that I can't think of anything else that might slow you down and give me a chance to re-interject my never-less trusty Gibson 335 into the worlds' musical affairs, not that I care about that. Really. But your judgement, all that to the left to the left stuff a few years back when I thought for some reason you sounded so experienced you must have been 28 already. It's that crazy in love put a ring on it clarity I'd love you to apply to an entire post-natal album of songs. I mean it.

I'm sure I'm not alone is saying, we did put a ring on it and OMG now we really need to know what to do next. The Happiest Baby on the Block...(There's a video for that), The Swaddling...(There's a video for that). The How to Not Reward Tantrums, Yet Bring Them to a Swift Conclusion? Is There a Better Way to Say it's Good to Eat Your Broccoli Because It Will Make You Poop? (And to not hear your words later echoing around granny's dinner table). Where are the pop songs for that? How to restore the requisite romance between the grown ups among all the snotty tears...

If it can be done, if anyone can do it in song, Beyoncé can. It's time to have a baby and get one with some serious work.

LamontPaul
Founder & Publisher

Publisher, Lamontpaul founded outsideleft with Alarcon in 2004 and is hanging on, saying, "I don't know how to stop this, exactly."

Lamontpaul portrait by John Kilduff painted during an episode of John's TV Show, Let's Paint TV


about LamontPaul »»

upcoming interviews begin with the Residents Feb 9th

RECENT STORIES

RANDOM READS

All About and Contributors

HELP OUTSIDELEFT

Outsideleft exists on a precarious no budget budget. We are interested in hearing from deep and deeper pocket types willing to underwrite our cultural vulture activity. We're not so interested in plastering your product all over our stories, but something more subtle and dignified for all parties concerned. Contact us and let's talk. [HELP OUTSIDELEFT]

WRITE FOR OUTSIDELEFT

If Outsideleft had arms they would always be wide open and welcoming to new writers and new ideas. If you've got something to say, something a small dank corner of the world needs to know about, a poem to publish, a book review, a short story, if you love music or the arts or anything else, write something about it and send it along. Of course we don't have anything as conformist as a budget here. But we'd love to see what you can do. Write for Outsideleft, do. [SUBMISSIONS FORM HERE]

WRITERS thru' the Years

A.I. House-Painter, Agata Makiela, Alan Devey, Alan Rider, Alex V. Cook, Ancient Champion, Andy Allison, Annemiek, Archibald Stanton, Becca Kelly, Belle Plankton, Bruce Bailey, Caiomhin Millar, Cassie Thomas, Chantal, Cheiron Coelho, Chris Connolly, Christian Present, Damon Hayhurst, Dan Breen, Danny Rose, David Hackney, David O'Byrne, Denni Boyd, Dirty Lillie, DJ Fuzzyfelt, Dr. Rich, Dr. Richard Bennett, Duncan Jones, Erin, Erin Pipes, Erin Scott, Gracey Babs, Graham Baker, Guilaine Arts, H.xx, Hamilton High, Henderson Downing, Holly Martins, J. Charreaux, J.Lee, Jay Lewis, Jaycentee, Jennifer Lynn, Jenny McCann, Jeremy Gluck, Jez Collins, Joe Ambrose, John Robinson, Jonathan Thornton, Julie O, Karl Morgan, Katherine Pargeter, Kelsey Osgood, Kevin McHugh, Kiah Cranston, Kleo Kay, Lake, Lauren Frison, Lee Paul, Lilly Pemberton, Luke Skinner, Malcolm, Marek Pytel, Mark Piggott, Martin Devenney, Meave Haughey, Melanie Surfleet, Michelle Williams, Mickey, Mike Fox, mindy strouse, Neil Campbell, Neil Scott, Ogglypoogly, OL House Writer, Pam, Paul Burns, Paul Hawkins, Paul Mortimer, Paul Quigley, Peter Williams, Pixie McMowat, Pixievic, Rene Williams, Richard John Walker, Rick Casson, Rikki Stein, Ronan Crinion, Rowena Murphy, Ruby Lake, Ryan 'RJO' Stewart, Samantha Charles, Seth Sherwood, Shane O'Reilly, Sheridan Coyle, Sofia Ribeiro Willcox, Sophia Satchell-Baeza, Spanish Pantalones, Speedie John, Spencer Kansa, Steve McCarthy, The Conversation, Tim London, Tim Sparks, Tony Fletcher, Toon Traveller, Trevi, Urs Lerch, Wayne Dean-Richards, and founders, Alarcon & Lamontpaul

OUTSIDELEFT UNIVERSE

Kerry Hardley-Pryce at the Bear Bookshop
OUTSIDELEFT Night Out
weekend

outsideleft content is not for everyone