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Dynamic Duos: Part 1

Dynamic Duos: Part 1

by Hamilton High,
first published: March, 2005

approximate reading time: minutes

You can cut the homosexual tension with a butt plug in this movie.

There's nothing more interesting than the homoerotic tension between two strapping young lads (who may or may not be gay) in a movie. There's something about it that stirs up the most uncomfortable emotions in even the most liberal of us. Kind of like when your boss accidentally kisses you full on the lips during the office Christmas party. There are hundreds of movies where the two male leads seemingly fall in love with each other, and here are the first five in an ongoing series dedicated to young men in love.

Note: Due to time and space constraints, Tom Cruise was only allowed one movie, although we promise a follow-up to this piece entitled A Study on the Blatant Homoeroticism of Tom Cruise Movies.

Top Gun (1986)
The couple: Tom Cruise (Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell) and just about every guy in the movie, but for the sake of bandwidth, Val Kilmer (Iceman)
The dynamics: Cruise and Kilmer both play hotshot Navy fighter pilots who quickly lock horns with each other about who the best pilot is. It's a classic man-on-man fight for the alpha male spot.
Who's the bottom/top: A tough call, but the pitcher is ultimately Kilmer, while Cruise would probably be most comfortable as the catcher.
Gayest scene: Any scene with wet, topless guys strutting around in the locker room would have sufficed nicely, but the one scene that blatantly stands out is when Kilmer walks up to Cruise and drawls, "You can be my wingman anytime." Cruise says, "You can be mine!" That was pretty gay.
Off-screen rumors: Although Kilmer is a Julliard grad and has a published book of original poetry, he's always been hooked up with hot chicks so there's not much to go on there. Cruise, on the other hand, is practically a gay icon. First off, he's never spawned kids, opting instead to adopt. Then there's the rumor that his wife Nicole Kidman was a beard who was told that if she married Cruise, her career would "take off." Then there's the fact that almost every one of his movies contains more gay intonations than men's ice skating. We're not saying that he is gay for sure, but the facts are there - only OJ or maybe Robert Blake could clear himself from hard evidence like this.

Spartacus (1960)
The couple: Sir Laurence Olivier (Marcus Licinius Crassus) and Tony Curtis (Antoninus)
The dynamics: Olivier plays a perpetually horny Roman who's attracted to Curtis, the handsome and strapping young slave boy.
Who's the bottom/top: No doubt about it: Olivier would be the bottom in this relationship, while Curtis would be the dom of the two.
Gayest scene: Originally cut by censors and undoubtedly one of the gayest scenes ever shot is when Olivier and Curtis share a naked Roman-style bath together, and Oli confesses, "I like both oysters and snails." I'm not too sure what it means, but it sounds gay.
Off-screen rumors: Although Olivier has never had any real rumors of anything other than shooting straight, some have had their suspicions about Curtis. He once claimed that the secret of staying young was "a young woman's saliva," and he's had several marriages with kids, but one suspects all this window dressing is a mere beard for flamboyancies that have yet to be determined.

Batman & Robin (1997)
The couple: George Clooney (Batman) and Chris O'Donnell (Robin)
The dynamics: It's always been known that Robin had a thing for Batman—for some of us, it was our first introduction into the gay lifestyle as young children. Next to Bert and Ernie, these two quibbling superheroes have one of Hollywood's longest-running relationships.
Who's the bottom/top: George, natch, is obviously the top - he's the father figure.
Gayest scene: Any scene in which Clooney and O'Donnell appear in their superhero outfits with the built-in erect nipples.
Off-screen rumors: Clooney has always been the ladies' man, with hot and cold running chicks on each arm, but many a girl has suspected something in O'Donnell. His marriage (which by most accounts he got bullied into by his manish wife) didn't change many opinions.

Rebel Without a Cause (1955)
The couple: James Dean (Jim Stark) and Sal Mineo (Plato)
The dynamics: Mineo plays a star-struck high school boy in search of a father figure. When James' fresh-meat Jim Stark enters his life, an odd relationship forms.
Who's the bottom/top: Please—in real life, Dean used to tie guys up to chairs in his apartment and burn them with lit cigarettes. What chance would tiny Mineo have?
Gayest scene: The first scene between the two, when Plato asks Dean to come home with him. Here's the blow-by-blow:
Mineo: Hey, do you want to come home with me? There's nobody at my house and heck, I'm not tired, are you? See, I don't have too many people I can talk to.
Dean: Who has?
Mineo: If you can come we can talk and then in the morning we can have breakfast like my dad. If only you could have been my dad.
Off-screen rumors: Mineo was loud and proud about his hunger for dick. Dean kept his gay tendencies on the q.t. though, even dating young Hollywood starlets to throw people off his scent.

The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)
The couple: Matt Damon (Tom Ripley) and Jude Law (Dickie Greenleaf)
The dynamics: A classic case of one totally homo guy (Damon) falling in love with another guy (Law) who may or may not be gay. You can cut the homosexual tension with a butt plug in this movie.
Who's the bottom/top: Another tough call considering that Damon shows the balls to actually violently bludgeon Law in this movie, even though in every other instance, it's Law who shows top tendencies. This is one of those rare cases where both guys would probably take turns as to who'd be the man and who'd be the woman of the relationship.
Gayest scene: All gay roads seem to lead to the bathtub, and Damon's path is no different. In what turns out not only to be the gayest scene, but also the most uncomfortable, Law soaks in a claw-footed tub while Damon sits at his side. Mind you, while all this is going on, Damon continuously sneaks peeks into Law's bathwater, which by this time resembles egg-drop soup without a cluster of bubbles in sight. When Law gets out of the tub, Damon ogles Law's genitalia, which is conveniently at eye level. Even the most flaming of gay guys were uncomfortable during this scene.
Off-screen rumors: Law's somewhat of a dandy by all accounts, but his gaydar stops at the silver screen. Damon, on the other hand, reeks from homosexual accusations. His strange relationship with his "partner" Ben Affleck has been the buzz of Hollywood since Good Will Hunting. His relationship with Winona Ryder didn't put out any fires either, especially since the two broke up after three phantom years of "dating."

Hamilton High

Hamilton High was born on Doheny Ave in the gutter, is a poet, writer and observer of popular culture. Likes fashion and cares less for style. He's on the move, he's an alter ego and we hardly ever hear from him.
about Hamilton High »»



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