Assuming you'll be having a lot of sex this summer? Maybe you will, maybe you won't - that's not my concern - what I'm worried about is the chafing, soreness and rashes that are going to occur if one of you do happen to get lucky (that's my tax dollars funding all of your trips to the free clinic, you know). So with the lube market swamped I took it upon myself (well, me and a couple of the monkey-interns) to road-test a few of the personal lubricants to get the facts on the friction.
Cost: $5 for 2.5 oz.
Feel: Underdone egg whites.
Taste: The nonoxynol-9 taste kinda ruins the taste.
How Much Do You Need: No more than three-quarters of a teaspoon.
Best place to put it: Save it for the main event and leave the Forplay out of the foreplay.
Performance: Long-lasting, but the nonoxynol-9 makes it stringier than mozzarella. It also gives off an unsexy medicinal odor, which is fine as long as you're getting on at a doctor's office. Under vigorous use, Foreplay turns into a sudsy white foam that crusts up and dries after ten minutes.
OL Rating: C
Cost:$4 for 4oz.
Feel: Cold and oily.
Taste: Originally designed for medicinal use so taste wasn't a concern when the original formula was drawn up.
How much you need: Enough to slather up a surgical glove.
Best place to put it: Back in your mom's nightstand.
Performance: k-Y starts off good and slippery the way it should, but can turn a bit greasy and tends to dry up Truly an original, this granddaddy of the lubes has recently been surpassed by space-age technologies: It's good for a point of entry, but won't send you into orbit. Plus, it has a tendency to destroy all condoms that dares to cross its path.
OL Rating: D
PJUR EROS BODYGLIDE
Cost: $10 for 30 ml.
Feel: Like the warm Teflon-coated caress of a vampire.
Taste: None. Honest.
How much you need: A little dab will do ya both.
Best place to put it: All over yourself before you squeeze into your rubber jumpsuit.
Performance: It's light and never gets sticky and I liked that. In fact, water, saliva and chocolate sauce made it all the more slicker. Go figure. During sex, it's makes things hotter - literally. While it's the most graceful of all the lubes represented here, expect a workout scrubbing it off.
OL Rating: B+
PROBE SILKY LIGHT
Cost: $5 for 2.5 oz.
Feel: Light? More like as sloppy as your first French kiss - but even that wasn't as messy as this stuff.
How much you need: The entire tube.
Taste: Chernobyl gumdrops.
Best place to put it: The squeaky hinge on your front door.
Performance: Its Silly String consistency lathers up to a sticky white foam that smells and feels like cheap shampoo.
OL Rating: D
Cost: $10 for 2.5 oz.
Feel: Like a Whitney Houston song: smooth and slick at the start, but turns to crap soon afterwards.
Taste: If NASA made candy, it would taste like this. If you're out of orange juice in the morning you can squeeze a dab of this in a glass of water for a nice Tang substitute.
How much you need: One drop for each nipple and two for the friendlier parts. Too much turns things sticky and slow.
Best place to put it: As Christian Slater likes to call them, "the pink parts."
Performance: One of the best, but every once in a while it can make two stomachs hitting each other sound like a school of whales.
OL Rating: B
Cost: $11 for 8oz.
Feel: Just like honey.
How much you need: Enough to coat a pair of average-sized buttocks.
Taste: A light, sweet flavor that would make an exquisite glaze on a Bundt cake.
Best place to put it: All over yourself as you roll around on a giant sheet of Saran Wrap.
Performance: Dries in about ten minutes, but responds well to water so Round 2 can kick off with the right tongue action.
OL Rating: A
Outsideleft exists on a precarious no budget budget. We are interested in hearing from deep and deeper pocket types willing to underwrite our cultural vulture activity. We're not so interested in plastering your product all over our stories, but something more subtle and dignified for all parties concerned. Contact us and let's talk. [HELP OUTSIDELEFT]
If Outsideleft had arms they would always be wide open and welcoming to new writers and new ideas. If you've got something to say, something a small dank corner of the world needs to know about, a poem to publish, a book review, a short story, if you love music or the arts or anything else, write something about it and send it along. Of course we don't have anything as conformist as a budget here. But we'd love to see what you can do. Write for Outsideleft, do. [SUBMISSIONS FORM HERE]