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My boyfriend hates my Ex's Parents

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by Erin Pipes, for outsideleft.com
originally published: June, 2005
I can smell that bullshit through any fake smile.
by Erin Pipes, for outsideleft.com
originally published: June, 2005
I can smell that bullshit through any fake smile.

Behold, "Dear Girl... - OutsideLeft's version of the tried and true sex column. Erin Pipes, the girl in "dear girl... is a fully qualified expert in the field of sex - mainly because she has the most of it on the staff - so rest assured, you're in good hands.


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Dear Girl,

No matter how a date goes, I'm always uncomfortable when it's time to say good night. What does a girl what to hear when a guy wants to see her again? What does a girl want to hear when it's obvious there won't be another date probably ever again? What about the kiss?

M.K.
Vancouver, Canada

 

Well, like I've said before, all girls are different.  We all want different things, which is why your get-laid-quick schemes don't work 100% of the time.  So I'm really only telling you what'll work on ME when I'm answering, and I'm hardly your average girl.  With that said, if the date was a total bust, it's nice to not have it sugar-coated at the end of the night.  I definitely don't want to hear anything like "Wow, I had a great time-- let's do this again!" because I can smell that bullshit through any fake smile.  It's best to be direct and polite-- ensuring you get to keep her respect even if you don't get into her panties.  But if you can't hack being so forward about it, a "Nice to meet you." is a classy way to put a closer on the night. 


As far as whether or not she wants a kiss...come on, MK, really?  I would think you could totally tell if a girl is into you.  We give off major signals-- that's something we all have in common.  If we're leaning in and grinning and staring at your mouth and touching you as much as possible and even jibing in that adorably insulting way that some girls (me) have, then definitely we want another date.  And all you have to say is "When can I see you again?" and you're golden. After that, the kiss isn't far behind.  I have faith you'll know how to handle it from there.

 

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Dear Girl,

A gay guy here if that matters. My current boyfriend (of close to a year now) is upset that I'm still on good talking terms with my ex's parents. They're nice people, very supportive and they're like my real parents - I haven't spoken to my parents since I came out to them five years ago. How can I convince my current guy that he shouldn't feel threatened? By the way, the ex is in Iraq so this isn't a covert operation in order to get closer to him.

Thanks, Ramon
West Covina, California

 

Does new-hubby know you haven't spoken to your folks in five years?  I'm assuming he does.  In that case, why is he being so bitchy about this?  How did the other relationship end?  Were you left heartbroken and pining and now, even though you're totally over it and in love again, your current boyfriend has created a little fantasy of you keeping contact with the ex's parents in order to win back your old boyfriend?  I've certainly been there.  The best thing to do would be to introduce them.  Why not?  Really it would be like having him meet your parents, right?  It'll put his spinning mind at ease by showing him you're committed and that there's totally nothing else going on.  I've gotta say, though-- the fact that he didn't understand your wanting to keep contact with nice, supportive people who are surrogate family seems particularly shitty.  High maintenance much?

 

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Dear Girl,

The girlfriend/fianc?©e is always tired when she comes home - always. She's a floor manager at Nordstroms so she has to wear heels, walk around a lot all day, oversee over 50 minions and puts in over 60 hours a week, six days a week. I work a cushy desk job so I'm never really all that tired by the time I come home, all she wants to do when she gets home is drink a glass of wine in front of the TV and then drag her body to bed by 10, go to sleep and start all over again the following morning. I've tried everything: offering massages, all the extra housework (dishes, laundry, blah, blah, blah), but the bottom line is - no sex. I know what the problem is (she's always tired), but how do I it, thus have more sex?

Thom X.

Corona, California

 

Oooh, Tommy, this is a toughie.  Because bottom line: if baby don't want any action, baby don't want any action.  I know what it's like to be tired like that, but you have your rights, too.  I don't think there's anything wrong with putting a gentle lean on her. Sure, you can whine about how your nuts are ready to burst and how you don't know what you're gonna do if she doesn't give it up soon.  But guilt trips aren't so sexy.  The objective is to trick her into wanting to fuck.  Fun!  You can do this in all sorts of ways, from grabbing her like a juicy steak and telling her how crazy-hot you are for her since it's been so long, to greeting her at the door naked with that glass of wine at the end of the day.  I know that sounds degrading in theory, but do you wanna get laid or not?!  I know what always worked for me back in the too-tired days: just start jerking it.  Not only is it amazingly mouthwatering to see, but I always wound up feeling like "Hey, wait a second...I've got a pussy right here!"  Good luck.  Hey, and maybe suggest to girlfriend that flats are totally in right now and Nordstroms has cornered the market.

 

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Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at info@outsideleft.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.

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