Though the holidays are a time of warmth and love for some, they are a time of loneliness and melancholy for many others. Ghosts of the past float across barren, cold landscapes - haunting our memories. This gloomy atmosphere of the winter months is captured perfectly through the diaristic works of Anne Charlotte Robertson. Five Year Diary is Robertson’s most impressive film, showcasing episodes of the director’s life from 1981 to 1997. With a run time of about 36 hours, Five Year Diary is a raw, unflinching exploration of Anne’s psyche and personal struggles, as well as her relationship to others and the world around her. Robertson’s compulsive filming of her daily life allows the viewer access to her most intimate thoughts and insecurities. Throughout Five Year Diary, Anne Charlotte Robertson’s dependence on her camera as a medium for coping with her mental illness is a major theme.
Notes from Reel #23: A Breakdown (And) After the Mental Hospital
Reel 1 begins around Thanksgiving in November of 1981. The film opens with photos of Anne as a baby, merging into adulthood. Having just seen Anne grow before our eyes, we are then introduced to her as a 31 year old woman. The visuals show her bringing in groceries and beginning to cook. In the voiceover, Anne reads off descriptions of the word fat. There are also clips of street food signs. Immediety, her troublesome relationship with food is made apparent to the viewer. Anne’s choice to begin the film by reflecting on perceptions of weight is likely related to the time of the year. While it is clear throughout the diary that Anne exhibits chronic disordered eating, particular episodes of anxiety can definitely be associated with family gatherings and the holidays. Anne has explained that she began the video diary project as a way to record her progress in her goal of losing weight. It is relevant Anne’s father also struggled with his weight and suffered from related health issues. He passed away only a few months after the first tape was filmed. Her father’s ailments were a direct influence on Anne’s food anxiety; “I don’t want to die like my father;” she stated in an interview with Scott MacDonald. It is additionally poignant that Anne is unknowingly filming her last holiday season with her father. In Reel 1, we see members of the Robertson family moving about the kitchen area, in time lapse, and chatting about various topics - from potatoes to news on the television. Dishes clatter noise in the background. The soundscape is familiar, it could be pulled from anyone’s family home. The previous context of Anne’s commentary on weight adds a layer of instability into the seemingly tender, mundane scene.
Reel 23 covers about the same time period, but in the following year (September - December 1982). The tone of this reel is, right off the bat, quite different than the first. We are presented with a black screen that is accompanied by overlapping audio tracks. The most prominent track is Anne’s voice, updating the audience on occurrences in her life: her father’s death, getting laid off, unfavorable solo living conditions. She also details how, after her graduate student loans were refused, a camera technician almost called the cops to retrieve a camera Anne had borrowed. This incident had particular impact on Anne, as she described to Scott MacDonald.
“Losing that camera, I lost my mind. Every time there’s a breakdown, I try to take pictures of it. My problem with a film diary (and with a written diary) is that sometimes I become so paranoid and obnoxious. Voices in my head become so frightening, and I cannot bring myself to document them. It’s just too terrifying.”
All of these events likely prompted the mania and breakdown that is captured in Reel 23. The overlapping audio tracks mimic Robertson’s mental state; she rambles about paranoia towards root vegetables and exorcisms. In one of the quieter tracks, added in post, we hear Anne commenting on her actions in the reel. The faded quality of this retrospective analysis adds a haunting atmosphere to the film.
While the first reel primarily focuses on Anne’s relationship with food, Reel 23 is infused with a longing for romance and love. Around the Christmas season, it is certainly common to feel more intense loneliness. There are countless Christmas, and adjacent, songs written on this topic alone: Miss You Most (At Christmas Time), Whatever Happened to Christmas, Calling on Mary, etc. Throughout this reel, Anne hyperfixates on Tom Baker, one of the actors that played Doctor Who. She fantasizes about marriage in the shed outside her mother’s house. We see Anne practicing yoga in the snowy landscape, alone, next to the shed. These snapshots of a lonely, isolated winter come after Anne’s time at a mental hospital. Around the middle of the reel, the visuals cut out and leave only a series of flashing lights. In this intermission, Robertson’s voice describes her traumatic experience at the mental hospital. We can only imagine the hardship Anne endured during this time. Trying to recover from an intense episode of mental instability and being surrounded with celebrations of “the happiest time of the year” creates a sense of cognitive dissonance. In one of the audio tracks, Anne laments the mistletoe that hung above her bed until it was “old and dead.” Despite her depression, Anne still seems hopeful to one day find a lover that will truly understand her. Reel 23 concludes with a sentimental send off, “My true love would want to see me some day, this is for him.”
Though Anne’s initial goal for the Five Year Diary project was to lose weight, the film instead became a powerful capsule of memories. Anne’s life is portrayed in brutal honesty, from all angles. She filmed compulsively, not only for her own peace of mind, but also for her future partner and children. It is difficult to do justice to the enormity of Anne Charlotte Robertson’s work, especially because a large amount of Five Year Diary is not readily available to the public. I always seem to return to Robertson’s films during the winter. Their content is emotionally heavy, but there is an additional level of familiarity and understanding that I find comforting. Apart from Five Year Diary, some supplemental winter viewings are Depression Focus Please (1984) and Going to Work (1976). Anne has an immense talent of capturing the ethereal atmosphere of the season, even through her sadness. This paradox is reflected perfectly in Depression Focus Please: “How could I want to kill myself when everything is so darn beautiful.” Robertson’s refusal to censor herself may be jarring to some. However, it is necessary. Anne Charlotte Robertson passed away in 2012, but her life and spirit are forever memorialized through her films.
