Wondering where Dear Girl, aka Erin Pipes has been? She's been traveling the country Jack Kerouac-style, from Orange County, California to somewhere near Washinton, DC where she's now living with her new beau. She'll be back next week with new answers to your new questions (as well as an ongoing series of her travel journals), so until then, enjoy Best of Dear Girl..,
+ + +
My girlfriend has this strange fascination with Britney Spear's husband - Kevin Federline - actually, it's become an obsession. I don't get it and when I ask her what she sees in a dirtbag like him, all she can say is that he's hot, cute and so on. Now this obsession is trickling into our sex lives and I'm positive she's fantasizing about Federline when we're doing it. How can I tell her to knock it the fuck off? - Not Kevin, Las Vegas, NV
Unfortunately, you can't police her mind, so I doubt "knock it the fuck off" is going to help you. What you can do is keep her in the moment. Talk to her. Remind her that it's you she's laying under. Call her a pet name, or do things that are particular to your relationship and sex life. Maybe something as simple as asking her to "Say my name, baby" may seem a little cheesy, but chicks love that crap, and it'll ensure she's thinking of you when it comes time for the big O. If that doesn't work, why not occasionally embrace the do-rag, grow some greasy stubble and go with that angle? Go on and tell me you haven't at least once thought of sticking your purple one in Britney's face and telling her to 'speak into the microphone', because I won't buy it. Reality says, in relationships, if it's longevity you're after, you'll need to allow for some fantasy, so have a little fun.
+ + +
How can I teach my girlfriend how to "squirt?" You know what I mean.
Thanks, Dry Dan (Dallas, TX)
Most pornos would have you believe that only the rare freak-girls can jizz, but you must've heard we all have the squirting power, eh Danny? There are quite a few books around these days that can help you and your honey learn more about the magical art of the girlie orgasm. Hell, just go over to Amazon and type 'female ejaculation' into the search bar and about a dozen or so titles come up all quick-like. With me, and what you might tell your girlfriend so she can start thinking about it, it came as a choice. When you're building on that incredible itchy deliciousness of orgasm, most girls will start to notice a particular sensation. Familiar, even, like you have to urinate. If you've already taken a trip to the bathroom before you started getting down, then that's likely not what's brewing in your nethers. I'd heard one or two things about squirting before this time when the feeling gave me pause, so rather than ride it out as I would normally, I decided a little pushing would be in order. That's really what it takes. I mean, sure, it takes a skilled partner, or a persistent pressure (not necessarily on the g-spot, but it might help). It takes an intense climb to what you know is going to be an amazing orgasm, regardless. But when you reach the peak and start feeling that aforementioned feeling-associated-with-peeing, you just . . . push. This is the hard part for most women, I'm thinking. Going against the impulse to 'hold it in.' Push like you would if you WERE peeing, if you'll allow me to get a little crass. What you'll get is a thinner, clearer version of your regular girl wetness and your chance for the dude (that means you, Dan) to sleep in the wet spot for a change.
+ + +
What drugs are best for sex (enhancement, drive, etc.)?
Thanks, Jilly in Vegas
Well, hmm. I'm trying to decide what you're really asking here, Jilly. If it's a Viagra endorsement you're after, you're barking up the wrong tree. I mean, it's fun to get on the relentless boner merry-go-round, sure. The mild clitoral kick is pleasant, but a little vague. In the end that blue meanie is really better suited to grandpas and male porn stars. Perhaps you're asking for my recommendation of which herbal supplement is the best-- each one smelling like a rancid healthfood store and promising spanish fly results, but usually resulting in a mild headache and wicked vitamin burps. Or! Maybe you want to know how crazy sex is on coke or ecstasy? (Coke is sweaty and frenetic; ecstasy is overwhelming and fuzzy and like fucking in a tunnel.) Or weed? (Sleepy and slow or numb). Mushrooms? (If you don't mind crawling skin or if your partner's head turns into a Reagan mask mid-thrust, then you'll love it.) But if you want my honest opinion, sex is better straight. Clear-minded, steady-handed. I like opening my lips to take someone's tongue in and tasting the sweet of their saliva, not a cottonmouth desert. I like a true connection when I open my eyes and not those crazy black pupils staring back at me. I like a dick that I'm entirely in charge of. One that'll eventually go limp so I can work on erecting it again. Or my pussy moistening of its own accord, and speaking volumes should it refuse. Call me square. Sex is enough of a high on its own, you know? Does make me wonder why it's so boring you need to amp it up artificially. Think about that, huh?
+ + +
Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her Erin Pipes) at firstname.lastname@example.org. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.
Outsideleft exists on a precarious no budget budget. We are interested in hearing from deep and deeper pocket types willing to underwrite our cultural vulture activity. We're not so interested in plastering your product all over our stories, but something more subtle and dignified for all parties concerned. Contact us and let's talk. [HELP OUTSIDELEFT]
If Outsideleft had arms they would always be wide open and welcoming to new writers and new ideas. If you've got something to say, something a small dank corner of the world needs to know about, a poem to publish, a book review, a short story, if you love music or the arts or anything else, write something about it and send it along. Of course we don't have anything as conformist as a budget here. But we'd love to see what you can do. Write for Outsideleft, do. [SUBMISSIONS FORM HERE]