It's more "Dear Girl... - OutsideLeft's version of the tried and true sex column from the one and only Erin Pipes. You keep asking, she keeps answering.
Settle this bet between my friend and I. One of the girls at school claims she can only have an orgasm via anal sex. Now I say she can, but my suite-mate (we all go to Pepperdine) says there's no way a chick can have an orgasm during anal sex UNLESS she's diddling the man in the canoe. So the bet is, can a female have an orgasm during anal relations without vaginal stimulation? There's a case of beer riding on this.
Thanks, RR, Malibu, CA
Drink up, Winner! I could've confirmed by recounting a lovely tale of my own experiences with anal orgasm, but I defer to Dr. Jack Morin, author of the indispensable Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide For Men and Women who finds that "A minority of women can respond orgasmically to anal sex without direct genital stimulation. Probably through pelvic muscle contractions - and a smaller minority even through the sheer excitement of being anally penetrated." Definitely a rare girl. Seems like you guys should spend less time betting and more time at least trying to help her have all those other orgasms she's missing out on. Men!
How do I get him to smack me around a bit in the bedroom? He's a nice guy and is more of a "tender lover." I like that sometimes too, but sometimes I just want to be roughed up. Trust me when I say I've asked him over and over. Is he just too nice a guy?
- - Jeff (yes, I'm gay) H., San Jose, CA
Chances are he may indeed be too nice a guy. Sucks, right? Since you say you've asked him over and over and he still isn't responding, then the bruiser in the bedroom you're dreaming of probably doesn't exist. Think of it this way, though; would you want him to play at roughing you up when he isn't really into it? I know you're probably thinking "GOD, YES!" but it may not be what you bargained for. I begged and begged an ex boyfriend of mine to give me just what you're asking of your current guy. When he finally gave it to me, the smacks were softer than cotton balls and it only served to piss me off. It wasn't genuine, you know? Still, I would usually say it's a game of chance. If you have a nice guy who doesn't seem to be into rough sex, odds are it's just because he hasn't had the opportunity to try. There may indeed be a Mean Daddy living just under his good boy exterior. Seriously, try to ignite his inner animal. While in bed, talk him through some of his more aggressive fantasies. Surely he's been to the place where anger turns into fuck. I would think all nice guys have had to hold in so much frustration and rage it would have to come out somewhere, yeah? And what better place for it to come out than all over you? Everybody wins!
This one is a little complicated so stay with me. The last couple times the girlfriend and I went out drinking at our local watering hole, she's made scant references to the possibility of bringing another girl in the mix. Yes, it's always said as a joke and she's admittedly buzzed, but what's this all about? Is she testing the waters with me? Is she just drunk and trying to be funny? I need your help. By the way, here's our history. We've been seeing each other for 7 years, are engaged to be married, have a healthy sex life, but are busy with work so don't have it as often as we'd like. Also, she's been in 1.5 threeways while I haven't had any. Also, we're both in our early 30s.
- - Tim, San Diego, CA
You know I can't exactly read your girl's mind, Timmy-- and I can tell from the facts you threw in at the end of your question that you're sort of chomping at the bit for a threesome, yeah? I mean, in my experience, I've usually been down for some fun with sexual experimentation while intoxicated, so it's possible she's being honest. But! Keep in mind it's an in-the-moment honesty, and it could seriously backfire if she changes her tune once she's sobered up. Simple question back at you, though: why not just ask her? You've been dating 7 years, you're about to marry this girl - - shouldn't you be able to ask if she's serious about something like this? You might not want to come out with your gun blazing and say "I'd LOVE that, baby, is now good for you?!" you know, but if you've gained the kind of intimacy you should have, then it shouldn't be a problem finding out where she stands. Ask her when she hasn't been drinking and see what she says. If you get the green light, you're a lucky, lucky dog.
Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at email@example.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.
Outsideleft exists on a precarious no budget budget. We are interested in hearing from deep and deeper pocket types willing to underwrite our cultural vulture activity. We're not so interested in plastering your product all over our stories, but something more subtle and dignified for all parties concerned. Contact us and let's talk. [HELP OUTSIDELEFT]
If Outsideleft had arms they would always be wide open and welcoming to new writers and new ideas. If you've got something to say, something a small dank corner of the world needs to know about, a poem to publish, a book review, a short story, if you love music or the arts or anything else, write something about it and send it along. Of course we don't have anything as conformist as a budget here. But we'd love to see what you can do. Write for Outsideleft, do. [SUBMISSIONS FORM HERE]