Crusty Burger

Erin's back after a well needed vacation. Refreshed and rested, she's ready to tackle all of your questions regarding love, sex and affairs of the heart.

Dear Girl,

Kind of a gross question but a question nonetheless. How much of the natural secretions that are on my girlfriend's underpants (at the end of the day when they're in the hamper) are from the vag's self-cleaning process and how much is from her getting excited and lubricated? Does this question make sense? I tried to keep it as respectable as possible. I don't have a vagina so I'm curious - plus I've sort of asked her in the past and it gets her upset/embarrassed.

T.K. from St. Paul, MN

I'm absolutely tickled at the thought of you snoopily inspecting your girlfriend's soiled panties, first of all, TK.  Warms my cockles, it does.  It's a funny question, though.  Not in the way of not making sense, just...I mean, how could I possibly know how often your girlfriend is getting turned on throughout the day?  That's information you're surely more qualified to know, hmm?  Anyway, yes, there's a bit of discharge every day, and as long as it's clear and smelling of sweet vagina instead of somewhat resembling curdled milk in appearance and scent, then everything's a-okay.  I'm wondering: what's with the need to Sherlock Holmes around her laundry basket?  Are you worried your girl might be secretly secreting over another fella?  Because that's bound to happen sooner or later, assuming she's human, so:

Don't Get Your Knickers in a Twist Over Wet Knickers
OR
No Use Crying Over Spilt Milk (In Your Girlfriend's Knickers.)

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Dear Girl,
I can no longer have sex with my spouse unless it's deviant, voyeuristic, sick or is hardcore full of kink. I can have vanilla sex, but it's boring and i have to fake the orgasms. So how can I get back into it?
- - name and location witheld.

Hey No Name,
I'm assuming your spouse doesn't always want to change your diaper or dress up like a horny tiger-human, but since you haven't listed any actual complaints from him or her I guess I don't really see the problem. Sometimes you cross that line and, if all parties are willing and able, there's no turning back and that's absolutely okay. If my assumptions are correct and your partner isn't always 100% willing to feed your beast, well, there's always room for compromise in a relationship if you want it to work, right? Don't give up on vanilla sex entirely. Try to concentrate on the feeling of how good sex was when that's all it was, just good, clean, hot, wet fun—without having to dig into your dirty bedside drawer. Bland as it may seem in comparison, it's still sex and you're still lucky to be having it. Also, it's a perfect time-killer during those fucking 20-minute commercial breaks of any of your favorite network programs.

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Dear Girl,
I think my wife's cousin is flirting with me. She's really touchy, has gone out of her way to show me her new boob job (kept her bra on, but it was a sexy bra with see-thru lace) and she always brings up sex with me. Am I just reading into this? Is this normal girl behavior? Is she just an attention whore?
- - Jordan, Bakersfield, CA

Ahh, it's a puzzle, isn't it, Jordan?  On one hand, women with implants LOVE to show them off.  On that same hand, women who get implants are usually pretty flirty anyway.  And there on the fleshy space on the palm of that hand, we're in a day and age when women can talk sex and flirt and be bawdy whenever they want, and it doesn't have to mean a damn thing.  But on the other hand, the one I like to refer to in all my 'does she or doesn't she' situations-- yeah, she's probably coming on to you a bit.  Sibling rivalry, attention whore, normal girl behavior-- it's all subjective, hmm?  Big question though: does it matter if she's serious or not?  Great way to fuck up a marriage: start flirting hot-and-heavy with your wife's cousin.  FYI.

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