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The Two Coreys

In 1988, the teen comedy "License to Drive" premiered in theaters when I was 14. My girlfriend and I went to the local Cineplex to watch it on one of our first dates. She fell in love with Corey Haim that night even though it was incredibly obvious to me, and every hetero male in the theater that he was a complete tool.

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by Rene Williams, for outsideleft.com
originally published: August, 2007
It's 20 years later and nothing has changed. He's still a tool and I'm still not getting laid.

In 1988, the teen comedy "License to Drive" premiered in theaters when I was 14. My girlfriend and I went to the local Cineplex to watch it on one of our first dates. She fell in love with Corey Haim that night even though it was incredibly obvious to me, and every hetero male in the theater that he was a complete tool. It's 20 years later and nothing has changed. He's still a tool and I'm still not getting laid.

"The Two Coreys" (Sundays at 10pm EST on A&E) is the latest in a string of celeb reality shows that try to capitalize more on the former fame of its stars then provide actual reality TV entertainment. Haim and Corey Feldman appeared in several teen comedies and straight-to-video flicks in the '80s and early '90s. All, with the exception of "The Lost Boys," sucked really hard. Haim, who within the last 10 years, was rumored to have been sleeping in his mother's attic and trying to sell his baby teeth online, is portrayed as the slovenly, horny "bad boy." He smokes in the house, hits on house guests and leaves half-eaten donuts on his bed. Corey Feldman on the other hand has now turned his life around. He no longer smokes, he's a vegan and he's apparently grown out of his man-crush on Michael Jackson. It's sort of like the "Odd Couple" if Felix and Oscar were both completely desperate and forced to share a really big house (rented for this experiment) to reminisce about the days when people gave a shit about them. Oh, and Felix has a wife with really huge fake jugs.

Each episode is basically laid out the same way: Haim and Feldman have some type of activity or event, Feldman's wife Susie (she of the ample bosoms) complains about Haim's sanitary habits, there's a crisis, and then it's all wrapped up neatly as they realize what great friends they are and how much they need each other.

Haim & Feldman have both admitted publicly that parts of the show are scripted, so the fake reality nature of the show isn't as bothersome as the outright whores the show makes them out to be. They obviously see this as a way to kick start their sagging careers similar to the way Jessica Simpson and The Osbournes did. Of course, most people won't be rooting for them to actually succeed and it's the schadenfreude nature of the show that will attract most viewers, myself included. I have to admit it's a bit of a guilty pleasure to watch Feldman, the former teenage heartthrob, talking about how hurt he was when they made "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2" without him. Oh the humanity!

In one of the early episodes of the series, Feldman breaks the news to Haim that a "Lost Boys 2" sequel is in the works and that Haim isn't in it. Haim breaks down in tears and laments that he's single, hasn't had a girlfriend in a long time, he's about to turn 35 and he's not going to be in "The Lost Boys 2." (Join the club, pal.) Feldman replies "But you're alive!" Alive, yes. But still making bad career choices. What a tool.

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