Product Review: Verizon FiOS

The missus and I just moved—it was nothing drastic, just from one part of Long Beach, California to another. When it was time to change internet providers, cable companies and phone lines, I was informed by a Verizon representative that the neighborhood I was moving into was one of only two other places in America that is currently offering this new thing called FiOS (Fiber-Optic Service).

"Oooh, you're so lucky," the representative gasped. "People are calling in by the thousands wondering when their neighborhoods will be able to get it."

Whatever. So for $80, our package comes with extended-basic cable television, unlimited calling within the States and wireless internet access—all through one single-mode optical fiber. No more chunky coaxial cables wrapped around the house, down the hallways, through the bedrooms, cluttering the post-modern design aesthetic I'm going for in this 1952 ranch-style shit box.

Frankly, I usually don't give a shit about such trivialities, I earn a paycheck, hand it over to the wife and she pays the bills, but being able to combine three bills into one, even I can get behind that. Plus, all the saved time will really free up the old lady's schedule—maybe she'll take a cooking class at the local community college and learn to cook something other than fucking spaghetti for dinner every night of the fucking week. (Kidding, sweetheart—if you found this.)

I've been here for three weeks and so far, my internet reception is fucking amazing. I'm a Sirius subscriber and back in the pre-FiOS days, radio reception would cut out about every 15 minutes. Howard Stern would just get started in on one of his rants on Ba Ba Booey and all of a sudden, I get dead air and my laptop is "buffereing" for reception. Unacceptable. Now, I'm downloading bukakke Mpegs faster than ever and not once has my Sirius reception buffered.

The phone system? I don't know and I don't care. I have a cell phone I use for work and since I really don't have friends, I don't make any social calls. The wife on the other hand, gets to call her family in Bakersfield and her best friend in Studio City and complain about me every day—all the jibber-jabber she can handle for one set price.

The television situation is where my only beef sets in. The actual content is great and the hi-def reception is outstanding, but fuck if I can turn the actual system on. The remote has about 200 buttons on it and every time I've turned the TV on, it was by sheer dumb luck. The fact that every time I've turn the TV has been in a different combination of button pushing is another matter altogether.

And you can forget about recording anything anymore. Naturally, the system has TiVo-like recording capabilities, but figuring out how to program the thing is futile. I've missed three-weeks worth of A&E's Intervention and it's fucking driving me up the walls.