search for something...

search for something you might like...

The Fear - It's Got Me Not a great day for Paul H. Look out, the fear is just around the corner.

The Fear - It's Got Me

Not a great day for Paul H. Look out, the fear is just around the corner.

by Paul Hawkins,
first published: November, 2007

approximate reading time: minutes

a deadly mixture of murdered mad cow adrenaline and processed beef jerk-off

Hhmmm. As I squinted into the unaccustomed glare of the bright sun I was sure I had seen something flickering….there it was again.

Oh God. Oh God no, I dont care whose God, just no please…........................I intuitively knew what was to come. I was familiar with the territory. Here comes the FEAR.

Like a jet of nitrous gas had been injected into my spinal duct, an anti-freeze fluid winter top up from the devils ( is he/she all bad? ) own howling scrapyard apprentice mechanic.

I shook my head and closed my eyes. I had to regroup the throbbing brain signals clouding, circulating and immersing my nervous system. I desperately hoped I was mistaken. I always do. HOPE.

My internal dialogue was now sparking with effort, sending ice – aged, searing, burning electrical impulses I had not experienced for several years up and down, round and round, curling and curling throughout and all around my tensed and churning stomach.

Yes, I know fear. Anxiety was on very good terms with me, oh yes, it greeted me with open arms, did Anxiety, with gifts dripping and falling from its clutches.

And the sweet, sweet, green-green grass of home made, honey dipped, whispers of cold cold FEAR seeped slowly towards me, like the condemned mans pellet of noxious gas fumes and suddenly became of such piercing volume I felt I was about to pukechoke and purge my innards of the very daggers of funk-xiety. Its always hot on the outside, cold, oh so cold on the inside.

The implosion of the backward microwave effect had me. By the fucking short and curlies, in its fist of FEAR so tight I could hardly, hardly….................

And sweating, I imagined I'd crawled on up the road, the sound of the source of my fear distorting and toying with my ears and my mind, with its endless squawking cacophony, bejewelled with dark dark contradictions, sun-burnt swearing, bullshit otherness turned inward on itself into the most repugnant creature of all.

The worst was about to happen. I could now see it. Feel it. My bowels emptied themselves onto my stool, like those of a dog I had once seen, after it had been run over by a truck.

There was no mistaking it. Standing with arrogance way above itself, assuming the stature and confidence of those who ignorantly know no better.

Mr. Brett Bigot had arrived. He had left Casa Bigot in his four wheel drive and had driven ( of course ) the short distance here at breakneck speed. Pissed up from the earlier BBQ, high on a deadly mixture of murdered mad cow adrenaline and processed beef jerk-off, his truck spewed drunken Bigots onto and into the bar.

I had sensed and squinted till I froze, literally, trying to see the dust following the metallic green paint job speck that flashed into my fear diagnosis receptors, as I cuddled and made love to my small glass of coffee, before the Bigots crashed and had a head-on collision with my quiet, late afternoon's party, demanding Imperial Pints from the barman in slurred English.

Paul Hawkins

Paul Hawkins has been interested in popular culture and music, protest and survival for as long as we can remember. He began writing about things, making music and other noise at an early age. Paul has interviewed musicians, writers, poets, protestors and artists.
about Paul Hawkins »»

upcoming interviews begin with the Residents Feb 9th

RECENT STORIES

RANDOM READS

All About and Contributors

HELP OUTSIDELEFT

Outsideleft exists on a precarious no budget budget. We are interested in hearing from deep and deeper pocket types willing to underwrite our cultural vulture activity. We're not so interested in plastering your product all over our stories, but something more subtle and dignified for all parties concerned. Contact us and let's talk. [HELP OUTSIDELEFT]

WRITE FOR OUTSIDELEFT

If Outsideleft had arms they would always be wide open and welcoming to new writers and new ideas. If you've got something to say, something a small dank corner of the world needs to know about, a poem to publish, a book review, a short story, if you love music or the arts or anything else, write something about it and send it along. Of course we don't have anything as conformist as a budget here. But we'd love to see what you can do. Write for Outsideleft, do. [SUBMISSIONS FORM HERE]

WRITERS thru' the Years

A.I. House-Painter, Agata Makiela, Alan Devey, Alan Rider, Alex V. Cook, Ancient Champion, Andy Allison, Annemiek, Archibald Stanton, Becca Kelly, Belle Plankton, Bruce Bailey, Caiomhin Millar, Cassie Thomas, Chantal, Cheiron Coelho, Chris Connolly, Christian Present, Damon Hayhurst, Dan Breen, Danny Rose, David Hackney, David O'Byrne, Denni Boyd, Dirty Lillie, DJ Fuzzyfelt, Dr. Rich, Dr. Richard Bennett, Duncan Jones, Erin, Erin Pipes, Erin Scott, Gracey Babs, Graham Baker, Guilaine Arts, H.xx, Hamilton High, Henderson Downing, Holly Martins, J. Charreaux, J.Lee, Jay Lewis, Jaycentee, Jennifer Lynn, Jenny McCann, Jeremy Gluck, Jez Collins, Joe Ambrose, John Robinson, Jonathan Thornton, Julie O, Karl Morgan, Katherine Pargeter, Kelsey Osgood, Kevin McHugh, Kiah Cranston, Kleo Kay, Lake, Lauren Frison, Lee Paul, Lilly Pemberton, Luke Skinner, Malcolm, Marek Pytel, Mark Piggott, Martin Devenney, Meave Haughey, Melanie Surfleet, Michelle Williams, Mickey, Mike Fox, mindy strouse, Neil Campbell, Neil Scott, Ogglypoogly, OL House Writer, Pam, Paul Burns, Paul Hawkins, Paul Mortimer, Paul Quigley, Peter Williams, Pixie McMowat, Pixievic, Rene Williams, Richard John Walker, Rick Casson, Rikki Stein, Ronan Crinion, Rowena Murphy, Ruby Lake, Ryan 'RJO' Stewart, Samantha Charles, Seth Sherwood, Shane O'Reilly, Sheridan Coyle, Sofia Ribeiro Willcox, Sophia Satchell-Baeza, Spanish Pantalones, Speedie John, Spencer Kansa, Steve McCarthy, The Conversation, Tim London, Tim Sparks, Tony Fletcher, Toon Traveller, Trevi, Urs Lerch, Wayne Dean-Richards, and founders, Alarcon & Lamontpaul

OUTSIDELEFT UNIVERSE

International Women's Day
OUTSIDELEFT Night Out
weekend

outsideleft content is not for everyone