Fancylad, OUTSIDELEFT's own in-house self-appointed style expert answers all your nagging questions on fads, fashion, vanity, style, and the gentleman's code of conduct.
This may sound stupid, but I'm a girl who is about to break up with her boyfriend because he thinks he looks cool wearing those ratty-looking, white undershirt tank tops out in public. Am I wrong?
-- Jamie, Boise, Idaho
You must referring to what guys call "wifebeaters" nowadays. No doubt a reference to the fact that most of the perps that usually get arrested for domestic violence on COPS are frequently outfitted in these ribbed atrocities.
Sure, the tank top undershirt looked great on Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront, but I doubt your boyfriend looks like how Marlon looked back then and he probably isn't on a waterfront either.
Chances are, Marlon didn't even wear these on the street. That's because there's a reason they're called undershirts -- you wear them under the shirt you're already wearing.
Should you break up with your boyfriend for not knowing any better? I say no. You're his girlfriend -- teach this poor schlub how to dress himself -- his mother obviously didn't. If he insists on wearing them out in public after your patient requests, then you can dump him.
What's the deal with this monochromatic look with suits that I'm still seeing all over the place? I swear if I see another blue shirt/blue tie combination, I'm going to go mad. Is it still popular
-- Dave Banks, Manhattan, New York
According to misinformed fashionistas worldwide, we are still in a monochromatic movement. This is not a movement I want to join, but if you're name is Regis or you're a member of the Mafioso, feel free to participate.
It's very theatrical, very Hollywood and extremely hard to pull off. The look had it's place in 2001, but I say once it goes mainstream and people like Maury Povich and Jay Leno start copping it, it's time to move on, young man.
I'm in my early 30s and balding -- fast. I've also decided on giving myself the complete shave before I start loosing any more hair. What kind of maintenance am I going to be looking at in the future?
-- Adam Hanson, Seattle
You might not want to do anything until you thoroughly inspect the portions of your head that are still covered with hair. Fancylad would make a horrifying bald man due to the flatness of my head and the swastika-shaped birthmark I've been cursed with.
But assuming your melon is of sound shape and size, you can shave it the way you shave your face with a disposable blade or an electric razor.
By the way, if you're of the pasty, white guy persuasion, be sure to wear some expensive sunscreen. Expensive because the cheap stuff is usually pretty oily and there's nothing scarier that a guy with an exposed pink, shiny, bulbous head.
Need advice? Does it concern fashion? Style? Affairs of the heart? Fancylad shoots straight from the hip pocket. Send him all of your questions to email@example.com -- the intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to him.
As employee #3, Spanish has worked for OUTSIDELEFT in some capacity since day one. As our editor-at-large, Spanish now calls ‘the road’ home, filing articles about the arts, leisure, and culture when the wi-fi works.
March sees a greatly expanded reissue of Elliott Smith's most critically acclaimed album Either/Or
Outsideleft exists on a precarious no budget budget. We are interested in hearing from deep and deeper pocket types willing to underwrite our cultural vulture activity. We're not so interested in plastering your product all over our stories, but something more subtle and dignified for all parties concerned. Contact us and let's talk. [HELP OUTSIDELEFT]
If Outsideleft had arms they would always be wide open and welcoming to new writers and new ideas. If you've got something to say, something a small dank corner of the world needs to know about, a poem to publish, a book review, a short story, if you love music or the arts or anything else, write something about it and send it along. Of course we don't have anything as conformist as a budget here. But we'd love to see what you can do. Write for Outsideleft, do. [SUBMISSIONS FORM HERE]